Eat, Pray, Love...NYC!
So, it’s been a couple weeks since my return from a vacay on the East Coast. It wasn’t my first time back since my move, but it was very long overdue time needed there. I’m a different person in that city. I am happy, I am excited, I am a bigger dreamer and bigger extrovert. But life is easier there as a visitor. While there over the summer, I had some alone time to walk around the city and I caught myself thinking one too many times…was it a mistake to leave? Should I come back? But then reminded myself, that the dream is always better than the reality. I won’t lie I still think if maybe it was too soon, or I was too young and if maybe now I would thrive differently. I’ve had this in the back of my head since before I moved back. I knew I would come to the point of wondering what if? That is just who I am no matter what decisions I make. However, the thought has been more present since my visit this summer and I hadn’t been able to really think about why and if there was any action to take from it or just leave it as a thought.
2020 was a hard year for all of us. January, I thought and hoped would be the worst for me. My plans I had for the year immediately were brought to a halt and quickly had to be redirected because I lost my job that I planned on having until I decided to follow through with my new plan. Funny enough. I journaled about it and ended with, “I hope this is the lowest this year will be”. I had high expectations for 2020, because the previous year was an extremely difficult time for myself, my family, and a lot of loved ones. I felt very lost while living out the dream I waited for so long. I struggled missing my family and friends, and dealing with issues I never imagined would be issues I had to face alone and with my family. 2020 looked like the dream year, I was moving back home and solving the problem of missing family. I was moving into my very own apartment…NO ROOMATES!! I had a job opportunity that would give me all the creativity that I thought I could only find in NYC. And lastly, there was a boy, and this boy was very special. Life seemed to be looking FANTASTIC!
Now you’re probably wondering, Okay get to the point…what does all this have to do with your recent trip? Well because all those things that were going to make 2020 "FANTASTIC" were very much affected by the one thing that put a halt and changed all our lives, a global pandemic... It shifted/canceled the plan or completely changed the experience of some. I was SO excited to live alone because that meant I could do anything and have anyone over whenever I wanted but that was not the case anymore. I also had this relationship that began unexpectedly and was for once a happy and healthy relationship. I was head over heels for this guy and we had plans now that I was back in Texas; but that also changed and came to an end and I was shattered. Most importantly, I was closer to family, but I was so defeated by all these shifts that I did not prioritize to see them like I wished I could when I was miles away. Eventually I began to find joy and positivity from the shifts rather than having them create sadness. Yet I still was searching for something or only having temporary joy. I often questioned myself, am I happy or am I just distracted? Ever feel like this?
At last, 2021 finally came and I was hopeful but cautious. I’ve experienced highest of highs and lowest of lows. I’ve lost friends, more heartbreak, and other lows. But I have also had amazing experiences, beautiful memories with family and friends, health, trips, new friends, and employment. Overall, SO much to be grateful for and to bring me happiness. Yet I still did not feel happy. I constantly wondered what was making me unhappy. Was this an endless heartbreak? Was I throwing myself a pity party? Why was I so sad and unhappy with such great things happening around me? I began “living for the weekend”. I was constantly overbooking myself or getting out of my town because I felt it was where I lived or living alone that was making me unhappy and not entirely the life I was living. But that was only temporary happiness. Then Sundays would roll in and reality sunk in. I was sad again and just counting down the days til the next weekend getaway. I began Therapy mid-summer and began creating new ways to change old habits. It’s been a long process, but I have come to learn a lot about myself and have created happiness for myself in healthier ways. However, this was not a solution for all things. I still very much felt stuck in the “what is missing” vibe. I had booked a trip to NY same time but got canceled last year. So I figured after the year this one has been. Time to have some fun and getaway for a bit…like I said I am very much, distractions over dealing with things type of gal.
So off to the city I went! While there, I spent a lot of time catching up with dear friends and family that I would have not survived my time there without. Reliving memories and creating new ones. I had the time of my life, I always do especially in NYC. I thrive in cities, I thrive in social settings, loud noises, and chaos! But my most favorite thing of all was the time I spent endlessly walking around the city. It’s such an easy city to be alone in and be in thought and have no one bother you at all. I had a lot of time to reflect on me. A lot of time to plan and dream of what I want next. A lot of time to find closure on things I have avoided to keep relevant in my life. I truly found parts of myself again, and I missed her. I know I will look back at the years of my life and wish I could turn time back. I truly am living the best life I can but damn this is hard.
Being happy is hard. Adulting is hard. Figuring out life and having to keep yourself alive is hard lol. Not holding yourself up to society set standards is hard. Not comparing your life and what chapter you are in is hard. LIFE IS HARD. I ate, I prayed, I loved every minute and I found old parts and discovered new parts, dreams, and aspirations. THANK YOU, NYC.
XOXO, Stef ;)